True Blood 03.04: 9 Crimes

True Blood 03.04: 9 Crimes

Comments Off on True Blood 03.04: 9 Crimes 08 July 2010

My recap of True Blood Episode 03.04 (“9 Crimes”) is up on ScreenJunkies! Go check it out.

In case you missed it, here’s my True Blood 03.03 (“It Hurts Me Too”) recap:

Previously on “True Blood,” the King of Mississippi offered to make Bill a Sheriff if he’d spill the beans on the Queen of Louisiana’s plans, Bill lit his maker on fire, Tara met a (seemingly) nice vampire who, unbeknownst to her, was doing a little B & E at the Compton house, Jessica was looking to get rid of a corpse, Jason caught a meth dealer, Sam went for a run with his shape-shifting brother, and Sookie and Eric were about to deal with an intruding werewolf. Onto this week’s episode, “It Hurts Me Too.”


We start with a little Matrix action as they do bullet time on Sookie’s shot:

Eric takes the bullet before it can hit the wolf so he can do some questioning. The werewolf won’t give, so Eric bites out his jugular. Nice. Luckily Sookie used her mojo to pull some intel before Eric iced him (not in the Smirnoff sense). Dude worked for a dude named Jackson. Can’t be many people around with that name.

At the King’s house they’re rolling Bill’s ex around in a nice Celtic tapestry to put out the fire.

The King’s boyfriend is PISSED. Not that Bill lit Lorena on fire but that the tapestry’s been ruined. Apparently it really tied the room together. The King and Bill have a nice heart-to-heart about Sookie and the merits of turning her into a vampire.

While Bill and the King are sharing a moment, Eric and Sookie are as well, over the burying of the werewolf. So easy for Eric, so hard for Jessica. Eric tells Sookie what’s so scary about werewolves. They’re silent, not afraid to die, and if they have some V, they’re almost as strong as a vampire. So minus the V, they’re just quiet and unafraid to die? That’s it? I hope season 4 introduces ninjas to the show, cuz they’re silent, not afraid to die, and awesome with throwing stars. So like, +1 over werewolves.

Apparently the wolf didn’t work FOR Jackson, he’s FROM Jackson. TOTALLY narrows it down. Jackson Mississippi: population 628,817, errr 628,816. Eric can’t go with Sookie to Jackson and cautions her against going alone, but it’s Sookie. She’s 90% can-do attitude and 10% brains.

After Sookie heads inside and Eric does the whole vampire-vanishing thing, we cut to Tara having a vampire-induced orgasm and her vamp-lover looks weird as shit, doing this weird death moan with his fangs out. Less Tara sex and more Sookie sex, please.

Sam busts in on his new family’s house pissed at his little bro’s shenanigans and his dad is hanging out in his gross f*cking underwear again. Sam’s new momma tries to get Sam to stay but he insists on driving back to Bon Temps. Can’t imagine why he wouldn’t want to crash there…

Jason’s riding high on his big bust and telling new roommate Hoyt how he’s going to be a cop. The citizens of Bon Temps feel safer already.

Tara ruins her post-coital cuddling with her new vamp-friend but it’s ruined when he says he doesn’t even know if she has a boyfriend and then she’s all like, “oh fuck me, I forgot to feel sorry for myself like, 3 hours of crazy vampire sex! Noooooo!” and runs away. We can’t be annoyed for too long however because we cut to Fangtasia and Pam is going down on their new Estonian stripper. Unfortunately, all the good bits are covered up. What happened to all the titties on this show? Fortunately Pam is again wearing one of her awesome outfits.

Jess interrupts the best part of the episode to ask via telephone what she should do now that her body is missing. Pam’s like, “the body you wanted to get rid of is gone? You’re an idiot.” and she goes back to having fun with Fangtasia’s newest, and super hot, employee.

While Pam’s getting down, and Sam and Sookie are having the world’s shortest reunion, and Jason is proving he’ll be the world’s dumbest cop, Merlotte’s second best waitress is at the doctor finding out that she’s 9 weeks pregnant. Uh oh. Does this mean she’s having that Cajun serial killer’s baby?

Merlotte’s worst waitress, Tara, gets a phone call letting her know she’s about to miss Eggs’ funeral and would she like to have Eggs served scrambled, sunny-side up, or over easy. Kidding! She heads on over and there’s no one there. Weird that a cult member who murdered a grip of people after spending time in jail wouldn’t have more people at his funeral. She asked who paid for it and Sookie, who may be kind of dumb but has awesome timing, steps out from behind a tombstone and goes “I did.” Do you know what funerals cost? This show is SO unbelievable. Tara’s like, “Sookie, you’re mah best friend.” and Sookie’s like, “that’s cuz you’re such a mean bitch all the time.”

The camera pans to a grave for Thomas Compton and we hop in the way-back machine to 1868 for a Bill flashback. It’s Bill coming home after being turned into a blood-sucker 3 years previous. His wife invites him in and she has an open casket in her fucking living room. Jesus. Turns out little Thomas got the small pox and no undertaker will touch him. And no wonder, his corpse is kind of gross.

Bill’s wife becomes privy to his condition after feeling how cold he is and seeing his nasty blood tears. Of course, this is way before Twilight so she has no idea what a vampire is and tries to shoot him. Not that any Twilight fans have a fucking clue what a vampire is supposed to be (“Why doesn’t Bill twinkle in the sun? This show is stupid.”). Bill’s arm heals Wolverine-fast which just scares his wife even more. She runs out of the house and is intercepted by super bitch Lorena. She has the worst timing. Lorena starts to glamor Bill’s wife when Bill wakes from his dream.

Speaking of bad dreams, Jason’s having one of his own about the police academy entry exam when Lafayette wakes him up to sign a work form. Turns out Jason was napping on the job. Lafayette starts complaining about having to live with the hemorrhoid that is Tara when Hoyt starts losing his shit because he found a headless corpse. You’d think the citizens of Bon Temps would be used to this kind of thing by now.

Sookie’s back from the funeral and still in her nice dress cleaning up the blood in her house AGAIN when a werewolf shows up. After she screams and runs he tells her that his name is Alcide and that Eric sent him to help her in Jackson. Well that’s nice.

Sam’s new white trash family shows up at Merlotte’s, and juding by his dad’s reaction, it’s the first restaurant they’ve ever been. I almost didn’t recognize his dad without his piss and shit-stained tighty whities. He acts like he won the lottery when Sam lets them know that lunch is on the house.

Hoyt’s crime scene is being analyzed (and pretty well) by Andy and the sheriff (the regular kind, not the cool vampire kind) and the sheriff is so sick of seeing weird-ass shit that he quits on the spot with a great little diatribe on being the sheriff in Bon Temps. William Sanderson is awesome.

Sookie’s serving tea to the werewolf because if there’s one thing she loves it’s being nice to monsters. And if there’s two things she loves it’s being nice to monsters and southern hospitality. She has some really tough talk for the werewolves that took her man and I’m reminded that she doesn’t know that Bill’s sleeping in 2,000-thread count sheets. Boy is she going to feel stupid.

Back to 1868 and Bill’s dealing with his wife by glamoring her into forgetting that he showed up. Lorena loves it. She’s such a bitch. I hope he lights her on fire again. As he buries his son Lorena tells him “The only way you can show your love for a human is by staying away. Forever.” Uh oh Sookie. Bill wakes up crying blood. Aaaand the sheets are ruined.

The King and his boyfriend are talking to Cooter and the King’s boyfriend has some real zingers. He offers Cooter a Zima which would have been way funnier two years ago when they still made it. Bill interrupts all the complaining and insulting by renouncing his fealty to Louisiana and pledges his loyalty to the King of Mississippi. The King immediately orders that “the girl” be let go. Uh, “the girl” wasn’t Lorena? Lorena is not at all pleased about this. Can’t wait to see who the girl is.

After a short scene between Jason and Tara where Jason apologizes for not being there for Tara (and seeing a bullet hole in her forehead), we’re tossed over to Lafayette’s house where Eric is honking for him outside. He gives Lafayette a car and a bunch of compliments for being his top seller. It’s a really nice car.

Arlene tells Terry that she’s pregnant, but before she can tell him that the little bastard isn’t his he’s practically jumping up and down so she lets him think that it actually is his. With all the characters and shit on this show do we really need this “Days of Our Lives” subplot?

Sam’s family is drinking their fill since it’s on Sam and he’s forced to kick them out before they can cause a scene and embarrass him.

Over at the Compton household, Tara’s new boyfriend (who’s name is Franklin, BTW) shows up to make friends with Jessica. And by make friends I mean hilariously blackmail her with the dead trucker’s head. He wants everything she knows about Bill, which probably isn’t much.

Jason comes home after a night drinking and Hoyt’s left him an application for the local PD. Hoyt’s so sweet. Jason burns it.

Sam’s getting some shut-eye when the alarm at Merlotte’s goes off. He runs over to find an eagle going through all his shit. Fucking eagles man. Oh, it’s his brother Tommy. Nevermind. He leaves a trash bag and his jeans behind as he flies out the window. Sam’s pissed.

Proving that they aren’t above a clever pun, the werewolves in Jackson have named their werebar “Lou Pines” (get it? Lupine?). They also all ride Harleys. Werewolves are cool. Alcide and Sookie head inside to make some new friends. Alcide sends Sookie off to get information on her own. Huh? Why not just hang by the bar and let Sookie read minds? This wonderful plan ends with Sookie almost getting raped before Alcide stops the guy. We learn that Alcide’s ex is engaged to Cooter. Should make for a nice rivalry.

Tara’s new boyfriend shows up at Sookie’s place to talk to Tara and now knows way more than he should after just talking to Jessica. He glamors Tara into inviting him in. They can do that? That’s way unfair. That’s like not being invited in at all.

The episode ends after Bill hate f*cks Lorena by twisting her head clean with her spine going all crackly. What. The. F*ck. This is sick, even for “True Blood.”

No new episode next week because of the 4th of July but we’ll be back the week after to see if a vampire can live after having her neck totally snapped or if Bill was f*cking a dying body. Gross.

Comments are closed.

Latest Tweets

© 2017 Not Zombies!

Designed by Fly, Robot! Fly!

WP Like Button Plugin by Free WordPress Templates